Another late showing, was too lazy to proofread. Will do a quick one over, but expect some
errors that I’m too lazy to fix.
Dirty Grandpa
I’ll see practically anything with Dermot Mulroney. I’ve legitimately seen The Wedding Date four
times. I’m convinced he’s the only
reason Angels in the Outfield was any good.
I haven’t seen Jobs, but since he’s in it, I’m sure it was a better
movie than Steve Jobs, despite what Fassbender has to say about Ashton
Kutcher’s acting. That’s why I’m so
disappointed they aren’t advertising Dermot Mulroney’s part in this film at all,
as the son of the titular character.
Since I can’t talk about Dermot Mulroney for the rest of
this post, let’s go over this awful looking comedy. Zac Efron has quickly gone from that douche
singing in High School to that asshole prettyboy in awful romantic comedies to
now apparently a cool funny guy who is too attractive for me to laugh at (or
maybe he just isn’t funny). He was very
attractive in Neighbors, but that was a shitty movie, and Dave Franco was the
only good part of it (Dave Franco has a surprisingly good range, though he
lacks star quality).
De Niro has gone from the best actor in the world to an old
established actor accepting easier roles surrounded by people that are likely
fun to hang out with. He’s like Adam
Sandler, except his acting has aged better than Sandler’s fart jokes.
Put those two together, and you have a really weird combo of
actors that may not be as marketable as people think. When was the last time De Niro was in a movie
you just had to see? If Efron is super
appealing to young people, why did We Are Your Friends have one of the worst
box offices of 2015? Possibly because it
was a stupid plot about a genre of music most people associate with assholes,
but still. The two actors will make sure
people will know the movie, yet I’m not sure how many people they’re actually
pulling in.
Star marketablility aside, the real reason I can see this
bombing is because it’s truly creepy.
Imagine an attractive young person, who isn’t super charming but you are
still interested in. Now imagine their
grandpa or grandma is trying to fuck you.
Because let’s be honest, we all know De Niro’s character is going to try
and fuck one of the young attractive girls in the trailer. In the trailers, he’s getting naked in bed
with Efron, he’s being an asshole, and in the movie he’s going to be trying to
have sex with someone 60 years younger than he is.
Now, who is going to want to see De Niro creepily hitting on
young girls? Young girls? Not unless they’re attracted to older men, in
which case they might rather see Stallone in Creed or Ford in Star Wars. Young guys?
The ones who think Efron is that High School Musical douche, and likely
don’t watch grandpa porn? Nope. Middle aged people? The ones who aren’t portrayed at all in the
trailers, thanks to the lack of Dermot Mulroney? No.
Old people? Why the fuck would an
actual grandparent go see a movie that refers to a fellow AARPer as “dirty”?
Point being, this movie’s creepiness factor heavily
outweighs the small amount of humor shown in the trailers. Why would someone take a date to see an elderly
De Niro strut his stuff? They
wouldn’t. I’m sure asshole college bros
will see hot babes, cool clothes, and spring break in the trailer, and maybe
they’ll pile into a Landrover and fill some seats with plaid shirts and pink
shorts, but maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll realize how douchey they are and
they’ll decide to act like adults instead.
I’m saying this bombs, and we don’t see a female version of this film
where Bette White tries fucking Michael B. Jordan.
Bust rating- 5/5
The 5th Wave
This looks like the worst Hunger Games wannabe yet. A young female protagonist becoming a deadly
hero, except this time with aliens you can’t see! I do like Chloe Grace Moretz from her
reoccurring role on 30 Rock and her solid performance in Hugo, but she’s hardly
a draw, and the rest of the movie looks like a shitty Shyamalayang plot.
It’s promising that the director J Blakeson (his credited
name is literally the letter J) wrote and directed Pitch Perfect. It’s less promising that I’m talking about a
short film that happens to share a name with the megahit starring Anna
Kendricks. He did write Mist: The Tale
of a Sheepdog Puppy, which holds a shockingly high 7.0 rating on IMDb.
Back to the movie. It
looks like it has no action in it, and is instead full of drama, things going
wrong, and a personal transformation.
Maybe this is the way to appeal to the young female audience? Or maybe it’s a shitty movie without an
interesting plot. I’m guessing it’s
shit. Oh no, the Aliens are doing a
single wave at a time, instead of just all of them at once, because they love
dramatic pauses between plot points! I
don’t know the young adult market, but this looks like The Hunger Games’ boring
cousin.
Bust rating- 4/5
The Boy
A friend of mine started describing this movie, and it was
basically the plot of Gremlins, but with a stupid doll instead of a cute
creature. After watching the trailer, I
can honestly say that I’d rather watch Gremlins again. But I hate stupid horror movies with jump
scares, so that’s me.
The movie lacks star power, feels like the same style of
horror movie we see come out several times a year, and is a hard movie to sell
people on with word of mouth (“Dude, the movie is about this doll that’s maybe
a boy, and there are rules this babysitter needs to follow, but she doesn’t,
and it’s scary!). But the movie does
have one big advantage: it looks genuinely creepy. Dolls are scary as fuck, especially pale
realistic ones dressed like they have more money than you do. A creepy doll that may or may not be trying
to kill you? I’m immediately frightened
and looking at how they killed the Chucky doll in those movies.
The movie will likely suck, rely on cheap horror tricks, and
have an ending involving the doll killing some people, and the babysitter
having to destroy it and possibly the whole house in a fire (maybe the creepy
parents too). But it looks creepy enough
to draw an audience, as long as they’ve seen the trailer, and aren’t being
convinced by a friend to go see what’s basically Chucky meets Gremlins.
Bust rating- 2/5
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