Bust watch February 12

How to Be Single

How absurdly uninteresting does Dakota Johnson look in these trailers?  She gets top billing, is coming off of 50 Shades of Grey, and yet is lucky to mutter a few set-up lines for the significantly more charismatic actors and actresses in any of the trailers I’ve seen.  She comes off like that girl growing up who literally would never speak up, always mumbling, but was somewhat attractive and seemed nice so you made the effort to try and talk to her only to end up walking away because of how difficult it was to get any semblance of a conversation going.

Bust Watch February 5th

The Choice

I love talking about a movie I have literally never heard of.  First off, I can be really mean to it.  Second, I get to guess what it’s about on very little information.  It’s called The Choice, and the poster has a guy holding a girl from behind while they both wear sunglasses and smile.  I’m going to guess it’s a religious film, with the choice being about keeping a baby!  And it’s based in California!  And the guy surfs!  Ok, let’s do some research.

Ok, so it’s a Nicholas Sparks movie without abortions!  I was way off.  But wasn’t that fun?  Looking back, I can’t see an abortion movie doing well at the box office.  This movie appears to be about not neutering your pets, cheating on your doctor boyfriend, comas, euthanasia, and horrible acting.  They leave out the coma/euthanasia part in some of the trailers, but it’s there.

Bust rating January 29

Fifty Shades of Black

So, this looks awful.  A bunch of predictable jokes about sex, race, and recent popular movies.  I’m putting the over under on big black penis jokes at 6.5, and may be taking the over.  This’ll get poor reviews, cause me to bitch any time I see a trailer for it, and continue to prove that parody movies are complete garbage that Hollywood studios shit out for a quick cash grab.

Yet it almost certainly won’t be a bust, no matter how awful it ends up being.  The budget for this was apparently $5 million, the marketing budget can’t be much more, and “A Haunted House” made $60 million international, with the sequel making $24 million.  People know what the movie is going to be, and it’ll do well enough to make a quick profit.  It’ll likely more than double however much all the expenses end up being, and we’ll get another shitty parody movie in a year or two, maybe about black super heroes or something, with jokes about the Hulk’s penis compared to Black Thor’s.

As a side note, I completely forgot that “A Haunted House” even had a sequel before doing some research.  I actually merged the two films in my head, since they both looked like cheap parodies making awful and obvious jokes.  Say what you want about a lot of shitty looking films, but most of the time you don’t accidently forget about a film’s existence and assume your brief memories of the trailer was actually for another movie.

Bust rating 1/5

January 22 Bust Watch

Another late showing, was too lazy to proofread.  Will do a quick one over, but expect some errors that I’m too lazy to fix.

 

Dirty Grandpa

I’ll see practically anything with Dermot Mulroney.  I’ve legitimately seen The Wedding Date four times.  I’m convinced he’s the only reason Angels in the Outfield was any good.  I haven’t seen Jobs, but since he’s in it, I’m sure it was a better movie than Steve Jobs, despite what Fassbender has to say about Ashton Kutcher’s acting.  That’s why I’m so disappointed they aren’t advertising Dermot Mulroney’s part in this film at all, as the son of the titular character.

Since I can’t talk about Dermot Mulroney for the rest of this post, let’s go over this awful looking comedy.  Zac Efron has quickly gone from that douche singing in High School to that asshole prettyboy in awful romantic comedies to now apparently a cool funny guy who is too attractive for me to laugh at (or maybe he just isn’t funny).  He was very attractive in Neighbors, but that was a shitty movie, and Dave Franco was the only good part of it (Dave Franco has a surprisingly good range, though he lacks star quality).

Bust Rating, January 15

Bust rating, January 15

 

Ride Along 2

The first one grossed about $135 million domestic, a success.  The trailers for this sequel look about as good, maybe better than the first film, though the plot isn’t explained at all outside of a trip to Miami.  It’s obvious that the selling point of the film is Kevin Hart being hilarious.  Ice Cube can be solid in a straight faced funny role, but his comedic chops aren’t on nearly the same level.

Looking at the numbers, Hart has definitely had box office success, but not to the extent that he’s immune from a flop.  Can a comedic sequel that leaves the proving yourself to a brother in law plot of the original film and turns full on buddy cop be his first bust?

Bust Watch, January 8

After a few weeks off, I’m back to assume that everyone gets excited about the same movies as I do, and that the movies I don’t want to see will fail miserably.  The past few weeks have been dominated by Star Wars, which was predictably a megahit.  Two awful looking films hit theaters this week, let’s talk about them!

The Forest

I like Natalie Dormer, both as an actress and an attractive person.  So do a lot of other people.  Maybe this will do well because it has her?  Unfortunately, my interest in Japanese forests that people seemingly enjoy killing themselves in is slightly lower than my interest in the beautiful lead.

Bust Watch, November 27

I’m putting this up late, I’m sure the one person on the internet who stumbles upon this will accuse me of cheating with my predictions.  But if I really cared so much about being right on these, I would have changed the rating for Victor Frankenstein, which was a huge bust.  Should have trusted my gut, instead I got blinded by the star power.  Anyways, here are last week’s bust ratings.

Creed

Take a great movie franchise with a huge character arc from underdog to champ to symbol of America beating the Soviets, and relaunch it with a director coming off an incredible film in Fruitvale Station and a hot young actor in Michael B. Jordan who has a chance of pulling a Chris Evans and overcoming a shitty Fantastic Four movie, and you have what I think is going to be a surprisingly big hit.

The previous Rocky was a continuation that did well at the box office simply by continuing the story and not trying anything new.  There were video game references, a new young fighter that looked more like boxers today, but you were going to see it because you loved the original films (at least 4 of them, anyways).

Bust Watch, November 20th

The Night Before

This looks bad, right?  It has the feel of a less funny Neighbors (a shitty movie), or of the Vince Vaughn/Dave Franco movie Unfinished Business where the commercial doesn’t show any really funny bits or reasons you’d enjoy the story.  The former was a hit, the latter a bust.

The best thing going for this movie is the cast, no question.  Seth Rogen is gold, everybody likes Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Anthony Mackie is charismatic and becoming very recognizable, and Jillian Bell is funny as hell even if she is less known.  The cast alone makes this a no question hit, right?

I’m not sure.  The Apatow Syndrome characters are usually unappealing in non-Apatow films, and that seems to be the character Rogan is playing in this film.  The commercials rely on Rogen throwing up in church, a Home Alone joke, and Rogan tripping balls.  Do people still want to see this type of movie, where the commercial doesn’t have any huge laughs, especially during the holiday season?

The cast alone should make it a safe bet to do fairly well, but I don’t think it looks appealing enough or fresh enough to be a financial hit.

3/5 bust rating.

 

Secret in Their Eyes

Chiwetal Ejiofor in peak beard form, Julia Roberts not pulling off bangs for most of the trailer but still being charismatic, and Nicole Kidman not really seeming like she’s a big part of the film but still being there.  Big names, shitty looking revenge movie.

It just looks boring from the trailers.  We’ve seen this movie before, and we’ve seen it in movies that have looked much more interesting.  What is this movie going to have that is new or exciting?  It doesn’t look tense or exciting, simply melodramatic and familiar.  I have zero reason to want to see this film, and am not sure why anyone else would outside of the names, two of which aren’t huge draws by themselves and one (Roberts) who may not be a big draw anymore (when was the last movie she really drew people into theaters?  Charlie Wilson’s War?  Even earlier?).

4/5 bust rating

 

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay- Part 2

Let’s not overthink this.  It’s a monster movie franchise that knew people would pay to see two movies based off of one book that, from what I’ve heard, was pretty shitty.  They did the same thing for the Harry Potter and Twilight franchises, and I don’t recall either of those coming remotely close to busting.

There is a huge fan base, lots of star power, and the movies have been pretty well received by critics.  I’ve only seen the first, but was surprised at it being well directed and visually creative, even if the story sputters out and drags down the end of the film.  Not a chance in hell this busts, unless they start showing commercials that feature Bill Cosby in a supporting role.

1/5 bust rating.

Bust Watch, Nov 13

New segment I’ll be attempting.  Every week, I’ll look at the movies coming out and rate them on a scale from 1 (bonafide boxoffice gold) to 5 (definite bust, executives getting fired) based on how likely I think it is that they’ll disappoint at the box office.

I’m not great at this.  I did predict John Carter busting, but also thought Frozen would be dead on arrival.  I’m also basing it largely off of how ofter I have seen the commercials and how I think they look, rather than any sort of market research.  I’ll also be sticking to wide releases, since an indie film releasing on 15 theaters nationwide has different expectations and advertising than a Michael Bay film.

The 33

The Chilean miner movie, just doesn’t seem like a fun movie to watch.  It doesn’t look scary, exciting, or even very inspiring since the stakes aren’t high due to everyone knowing the ending.  Apparently Antonio Banderas is in it, I didn’t realize that from any of the commercials.  The only character that is recognizable and sympathetic from the trailers is the one woman waiting defiantly outside, but we don’t even know her.  I think the lack of a clear lead among the miners is going to doom this movie.

Maybe the sentiment for this rescue is higher than I’m guessing, but it looks like it’s a few years too late to capture the huge buzz this rescue had and not good enough to stand on its own.  The movie looks cheap and sappy, so it may attract some who want a movie they know will have a happy ending, but I’m expecting a disappointment.

4/5 bust rating

My All American

I’ve seen maybe one or two commercials for this, but am guessing it’s being marketed much more to the college football crazy states.  I think Texas and SEC country will eat this sappy film up, and go watch some good team chemistry overcoming adversity on the football field.  Plus, I’m guessing they’ll have thrown in some religious themes, since the main character’s real life biography had the word “Faith” in the title, which should draw the religious crowds.

It’s from the writer of Rudy and Hoosiers, so it’ll get some nostalgia views to go along with the football, patriotism, and (probably) religion.  I think it’ll do well enough, though it won’t turn into a hit.

2/5 bust rating

Love the Coopers

Seriously, has anyone seen anything about this movie?  It’s from CBS Films, making me immediately think it’ll be shit thanks to their awful early films (though recent releases like Seven Psychopaths and Inside Llewyn Davis have been much better).  I have no idea how good this will be, though I assume it’ll be a shitty grab at holiday filmgoer money since it’s based around Christmas.

For a film I’ve never heard of, it has an absolutely loaded cast.  John Goodman, Diane Keaton, Amanda Seyfried, Olivia Wilde, Ed Helms, Alan Arkin, Marisa Tomei, Anthony Mackie, and a few other minor but known actors.  There’s someone for every Christmas loving demographic, and a dog is on the poster.  Maybe they feature it in the trailers, who knows.

The writer/director of I Am Sam is directing this, so I’m sure it’ll be sappy and borderline manipulative.  They’re likely advertising heavily during shitty CBS programming.  The only question is whether their 40+ audience will make it to the box office and not see Spectre.  I’m calling this a likely bust.

4/5 bust rating.

Update.  Watched the trailer.  There are charismatic old actors, a young couple faking love and almost certainly finding it by the end of the film (plus the guy is in the army), a kid saying sassy things with a reaction shot from the dog, and physical comedy involving old and/or fat people.  This movie is going to be a hit.  An awful, ensemble cast hit.

1/5 bust rating.

Films you need to enjoy for me to take your film opinions seriously

What better way to continue my blog about movies and whatnot than with a pretentious post outlining movies you’ll need to enjoy if you don’t want me thinking you’re a complete buffoon who clearly doesn’t know the first thing about cinema.  I love the internet, where blasting someone’s opinion that differs from your own isn’t preposterous, it’s commonplace.

Obviously this is a silly exercise, as liking movies is more or less subjective, but the points I make about the films on this list are more about qualities a viewer should have.  The films discussed here are all excellent (with one possible exception), and liking them may require appreciating certain aspects of them, or not focusing on certain aspect.

This isn’t a list of obvious classics, especially since I can understand not enjoying some of those critically acclaimed works.  Citizen Kane may have had groundbreaking cinematography and a story structure that broke the old mold, but it isn’t the most enjoyable film I’ve ever seen, and those innovations have become less noticeable as cinema has used them and even improved upon them.  Schindler’s List is beautiful and pulls you in emotionally, but I couldn’t blame anyone who found the film to be too depressing for them to enjoy, since it is so emotionally draining.  And plenty of highly regarded films (especially comedies) simply don’t age well, either due to societal changes, technological advancements, or cinematic tastes evolving over time.

Argo: Propaganda?

After viewing Argo, I took my regular lap around the usual film websites, seeing what critics and fans thought of the film to see differing opinions and if I had missed anything.  From rotten tomatoes and metacritic I saw positive reviews, which I tended to agree with if, although as enthusiastically as some critics.   However, when I headed to the message boards on IMDB I was pleasantly surprised to see plenty of hate.

Some of the hate came from the film’s recent best picture win.  I would agree with most of these posters who were surprised at the win.  I enjoyed the film and thought it was very well done, but I didn’t see it as anything groundbreaking or remarkable, which is what usually comes to mind when I think Best Picture (although that is certainly not always the case).  I didn’t share as much hate as many irate posters, but I could understand the arguments of the more descriptive contributors who managed to include more than one sentence filled with swears and poor spelling.

The hate I could not understand, however, came from people who claimed Argo was a piece of pure propaganda.  Terms like “one-sided” and “conspiracy” were being thrown about quite freely, with arguments ranging from fairly coherent to paranoid.  The User Review on the front page was entitled “Vomit enducing propaganda”, and predictably did not come with a very good rating but instead with some cleverly worded hatred and a shallow review.

Classic Films That Could Be Remade Well

SPOILERS

Let me start by saying that it is always controversial (and usually heresy) to suggest remaking a classic film, because, well, how can you improve on a classic the second time around?  For a film such as The Godfather, which is about as perfect as a film gets, any attempt at a remake nearly as good would be ill-fated.  That is why Hollywood usually remakes foreign films that people won’t see because they hate subtitles and funny accents, or instead take fan favorites such as Total Recall and Red Dawn, strip away all the charm/intelligence, and replace them with shiny objects, explosions, and Chris Hemsworth.  So the point of this list is not to suggest films that Hollywood should bastardize, or to say that the remakes would be undeniably better, but simply to point out classic films that could be remade in a different direction, and still turn out to be solid films.

Oldboy

No, this film isn’t old enough to be a classic, and yes, it is already being remade so this is cheating, but I’ll use this example to ease people into this list and explain more of what my criteria is.

Great Films That I Will Never Watch Again

SPOILERS

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

This is a great film, and I watched it at a time in my life where I could really relate to the protagonist, McMurphy.  I was in high school and maybe I wasn’t dealing with anything truly important in life, but I had the anti-authoritarian spirit in me, and saw bravery in McMurphy’s actions.

I loved the story of how McMurphy battled with Nurse Ratched and the dysfunctional institution.  He didn’t always succeed, and wasn’t always rational or honest, but that just made him more human and his victories more impressive, including his final victory where he inspires Chief to escape.

Four Things Wrong With Heroes

 I recently spent way too much time watching all four seasons of the show Heroes.  The show, while not the worst ever, has plenty of things wrong with it.  I could have talked about the gradual decline in quality of the show, how none of the season endings had a satisfying payoff, how they overused cliffhangers at the end of episodes, or how Claire's high school drama storylines often brought down whole episodes.  Instead, I'm going to focus on four somewhat smaller annoyances that bugged me.

 

How do they know The Haitian is Haitian?

In season 1, Matt Parkman recounts his memories of being kidnapped by the company, and says that he remembers some Haitian guy at the bar.  That Haitian guy was, of course, Rene the Haitian, but it leads to a very important and irritating question.

How the fuck did Matt know that Rene was Haitian?

Rene wasn’t speaking French or Haitian Creole, the official languages of Haiti.  He was not enjoying a dish of diri kole ak pwa with lots of peppers and herbs, as Wikipedia claims is a traditional Haitian dish.    And he wasn’t telling everyone about Wyclef Jean or Jean Baptist, two famous Haitians.  He was sitting at a table, staring, and doing magic stuff.

Community Season 4 Premiere Analysis

Oh, how long I’ve waited for the new Community episode.  No, not just waited.  I fretted, worried, predicted, and dreamed about it, wondering what the Harmon-less season would feel like.  As a general rule of thumb, I think that anytime a network or studio makes significant changes to a show or movie, it can’t be good.  And when they rip out the heart of a show and replace it with two people of their choosing, can that possibly end well?

Well, as the first episode showed, it can end somewhat well.  While watching last week’s episode, I certainly laughed and enjoyed myself.  There were several great moments.  Troy and Britta’s fountain scene was a hilarious highlight, despite being short.  Whenever Jeff feuds with Leonard during an episode, it’s going to be hilarious.  And the studio audience version sitcom worked really well as a piece of dry, alternative comedy.  But, despite all this, I can’t help feeling disappointed.

Thoughts on the Super Bowl Film Trailers

Iron Man 3

I’ll admit that I hated Iron Man, despised Iron Man 2, and cannot be rational about anything concerning Iron Man 3 because I’m sure it’ll be a piece of crap that people will still like for reasons I can’t understand.  Side note:  I loved The Avengers, proving that it isn’t Robert Downey Jr. or the actual Iron Man character, but instead it’s the awful films.

The Super Bowl spot gives me a glimmer of hope, since it shows Iron Man possibly having to make a tough decision and choosing who lives and who dies.  Maybe they’ll include some actual thought-provoking elements into the storyline or make the character Iron Man a bit more of a real person like in The Avengers rather than the blander version from the first two films.  But probably not.

Based on the extended trailer online and other trailers I’ve seen, I can’t help but think it’ll be more of the same.  Maybe they will actually have a villain with a personality this time (being a Russian who really likes his bird does not count as a personality, Mickey Rourke).  Maybe they won’t pretend the personal issues Iron Man faces and then conveniently overcomes in as unnaturall way possible make the story respectable.  Maybe people won’t see it and will instead demand the same quality film as they saw in The Avengers.  That’s all doubtful though.

And for the record, I’m not excited about Ben Kingsley being in the film.  The franchise had their shots with Mickey Rourke, Sam Rockwell, and Jeff Bridges to create a villain I enjoyed, and they failed miserably with three great actors.

How They Should Make Ghostbusters 3

They should not make another Ghostbusters sequel.  There are constant rumors of this, and some people are eager at a chance to relive their fond Ghostbusters memories, but those people need to just go break out their old VHS of the classic films and stop trying to make a trilogy at the expense of the two films that so many people hold dear.

Let’s be honest, the only reason that the Ghostbusters sequel would be successful is Bill Murray, who has maintained relevancy by being an awesome guy (by using his fame to steal food and play kick ball).  But he seems to have bailed on the project, leaving the other 3 busters.  And do we really want a film with them?

4 Criminally Underappreciated Films

Ink

This indie feature was pointed out to me by my cousin, and I gladly point it out to anyone who wishes to watch an incredible film.  The plot is a little weird, with large portions taking place on an alternate plane of reality, where a disfigured monster, Ink, has captured a child and plans to bring her to demons.  That description doesn’t come close to how great the plot is, but what’s important is that this fantasy storyline runs parallel to the story of a businessman in a depression after the death of his wife, and the storylines play perfectly with each other and manage to bring out strong and vibrant emotions.

I rarely cry in films, but Ink is one of the few that has made me cry (on multiple occasions, actually).  It is simply one of those films that makes such a strong connection between the characters and the audience that you end up truly caring about the characters, and soon their battles become your battles.  Combine this with great visuals and solid performances, and you have a film that is one of my all-time favorites.

Why Did I Enjoy Van Wilder So Much?

I remember when I was younger, and I loved any film I saw.  When I saw “Daredevil” in theaters, I loved it.  “The Nutty Professor 2”?  Big fan.  “Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd”?  Genius.  Sometime early in high school, I gained the ability to notice if a film was complete shit.  But that didn’t stop me from still enjoying “Van Wilder”, even after I was busy telling my classmates that their tastes in films were awful and that “Scary Movie 4” was an abomination that they should be ashamed of enjoying.

But why did I enjoy “Van Wilder” so much?  Until I previously rewatched it on tv, I hadn’t seen the film for a few years, but still had fond memories of watching it a few times in high school.  But why?  I couldn’t understand how I could have liked a film that was so awful.

Resident Evil: Retribution review

It seems a little silly to do a review of a Resident Evil movie.  Obviously the film is going to be a mindless piece of crap.  Nobody is going into this film with hopes of anything artsy, intelligent, or tasteful.  You are either going to watch this film with hopes of enjoying the mindless action or you are going to go watch something decent.

However, for people like myself who take guilty pleasure in such an awful series, there is some room for criticism.  What I mean by this is that Resident Evil: Retribution can be judged as a good or bad film with regards to the rest of the series, and also in regards to whether the pure entertainment value outweighs the misery of watching a film that just isn’t well made at all.